Who's the Authority Here?

In the fall of 2011, I met a man at my local parish church who appeared to be single, widowed in fact.  He became friends with a group of my friends.  I was attracted to him and was hopeful he might be attracted to me.

Then I found out he was married.  So, that's cool.  Who is she?  Why doesn't she live with you?  Will our group ever meet her?

The answers astounded me.  And continued to astound me as this man then proceeded to bring a different woman, a girlfriend, around to mass and to social events, all the while adamantly insisting he'd get back together with his (invisible) wife someday.  

He saw himself as something of a hero, waiting for his (invisible) wife to have a turn in her thinking and come live with him.  He put up a Facebook page as a memorial to his "marriage" to this woman, and from time to time would implore her, using Facebook, to work on their relationship.  I'm certain she has moved on and is unconcerned about his pleas.

It's likely after his (actual) wife died, he'd been lonely.  He was working out west doing something fairly shady, and he met the woman who would become his (invisible) wife.  They married in a Justice of the Peace ceremony in Reno, Nevada.  

He was catholic, but she wasn't.

They married, but never did combine households.  They never could come to an agreement about where they would live.  When he moved to Texas, where I met him, he had purchased the house where he lived, specifically with her in mind, although she never did live there.  

When our little social group became aware of this situation, no one really tried to counsel him on how strange it was.  In fact, he spent much energy trying to legitimize this relationship with our social group.  

In a long series of emails with him, I tried to understand his thinking.  I tried to give him an "out" assuming he didn't really know the catholic understanding of marriage as a covenant.  In every conversation, he did seem to know the content of the catechism, he just didn't accept it as authority for himself, which confused me even more.

In my mind, even though he was Catholic and paid lip-service to the catechism, he actually relied on feeling to tell himself that his marriage with his (invisible) bride was legitimate.  That's what I heard most, how his feelings were leading him, and how he wanted his "marriage" to be an example of reconciliation to others.  (He spoke over and over about how he wanted to be a leader in the Retrovaille marriage retreat movement once his "marriage" was normalized in the church.)

And during this time he would also bring a girlfriend around, a different woman.  He would continue to receive Eucharist at mass.  His his girlfriend told us she had friends in our town and was staying with them, but that was not true.  The reality was that this second woman was was staying with him during her visits, and was probably hoping to develop their relationship into something more.  I know how single women think.

Another Confusing Couple

During this season at our little church, it there was a second  couple in our same social group in an "irregular" marriage.  This second couple also became friends with the man in the sham marriage.  The wife in the second couple never received communion because she had been married previously and was divorced and remarried.  Her second husband went through RCIA to become Catholic, received received communion every week and served as a lector.  

Maybe he didn't know his wife had been married before? Sigh.  

Of course he did know his wife had been married before, but a priest in another state who counseled him (while he was in RCIA, preparing to become Catholic in order to marry this previously married woman), told him it was o.k. to receive communion even if his wife didn't.  In effect, SHE was unable to receive communion, but HE could.

Here's what St. Paul had to say about receiving Eucharist wrongly:

1 Corinthians 11:27Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily will have to answer for the body and blood of the Lord.*  

Comments on 1 Cor 11:27 from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops: * [11:27] It follows that the only proper way to celebrate the Eucharist is one that corresponds to Jesus’ intention, which fits with the meaning of his command to reproduce his action in the proper spirit. If the Corinthians eat and drink unworthily, i.e., without having grasped and internalized the meaning of his death for them, they will have to answer for the body and blood, i.e., will be guilty of a sin against the Lord himself (cf. 1 Cor 8:12).

Reaction to These Two Irregularities:

The priest then at our little church never seemed to care about either irregularity.  When approached personally about these issues, his response was to shame those concerned about the scandal and to say that the Eucharist is medicine.

Our bishop seemed not to be bothered by these two  irregularities either. After talking to the parish priest and getting an unsatisfying answer, our bishop was asked about it in a letter.  He then assigned an underling the task of responding, and six months later the response from that underling was to talk to the parish priest first... Um. Ok.

Here's what scripture and the USCCB has to say about "Eucharist as medicine" idea:

1 Corinthians 29-3229 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment* on himself. 30 That is why many among you are ill and infirm, and a considerable number are dying. 31 If we discerned ourselves, we would not be under judgment; 32 but since we are judged by [the] Lord, we are being disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world.  

Comments on 1 Cor 29-32 from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops:  * [11:29–32] Judgment: there is a series of wordplays in these verses that would be awkward to translate literally into English; it includes all the references to judgment (krima, 1 Cor 11:29, 34; krinō, 1 Cor 11:31, 32) discernment (diakrinō, 1 Cor 11:29, 31), and condemnation (katakrinō, 1 Cor 11:32). The judgment is concretely described as the illness, infirmity, and death that have visited the community. These are signs that the power of Jesus’ death is not yet completely recognized and experienced. Yet even the judgment incurred is an expression of God’s concern; it is a medicinal measure meant to rescue us from condemnation with God’s enemies.

So the souls of those who are receiving Eucharist wrongly still have a chance at heaven?  The medicine, painful as it may be (and assuming it doesn’t kill them), may still operate in their lives to help them repent.  That's my interpretation, anyway.  So for those who find themselves in irregular marriages, heaven can still be a possibility WITH  repentance.

However, the people in the drama I'm recounting here were completely unrepentant at that time, so I'm not sure the medicine was really working.  Don’t we have a responsibility to warn others that their lack of repentance could kill them?

And what about the effect on others, (including children of irregular marriages), of watching a scandalous drama at church every week?  Of feeling the confusion of scandal each week at mass?

I have a lot of respect for the institution of marriage.  Even though I have not been married, I might have more respect for marriage than (some of) the catholics I know.  I respect intensely and am spiritually encouraged by couples who patiently allow the church to exercise its authority in helping them straighten out their past messes.  It means they trust in the authority of the church.  They haven't gone their own way.

The problem as I see it, is one of authority.  Some people, like those two couples at my local parish who were in irregular marriages, were also unwilling to submit to the authority of the church to straighten out the irregularities. 

They thought they know better than the church how to handle their situations.

This is not what I learned when I was in formation to become catholic.  This is actually how protestants live. They are their own authority.  They go their own way.

I expect that of the protestants.  It's part of what being protestant is.  To follow scripture and your own conscience. 

All the protestants living today have never lived under the authority and teaching of the catholic church.  Some really strict catholics I know, stricter even than me, say certain divorced and remarried protestants SHOULD know, just based on scripture alone.  Yes, Jesus did preach about these issues.

1 Corinthians 19:1-121 When Jesus* finished these words,* he left Galilee and went to the district of Judea across the Jordan. 2 Great crowds followed him, and he cured them there. 3a Some Pharisees approached him, and tested him,* saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?” 4 * b He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ 5c and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” 7* d They said to him, “Then why did Moses command that the man give the woman a bill of divorce and dismiss [her]?” 8 He said to them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9e  I say to you,* whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery.” 10 [His] disciples said to him, “If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 He answered, “Not all can accept [this] word,* but only those to whom that is granted. 12 Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage* for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it.” 

Comments on Matthew 19:4-9 from the United States Conf. of Catholic Bishops:  * [19:4–6] Matthew recasts his Marcan source, omitting Jesus’ question about Moses’ command (Mk 10:3) and having him recall at once two Genesis texts that show the will and purpose of the Creator in making human beings male and female (Gn 1:27), namely, that a man may be joined to his wife in marriage in the intimacy of one flesh (Gn 2:24). What God has thus joined must not be separated by any human being. (The NAB translation of the Hebrew bāśār of Gn 2:24 as “body” rather than “flesh” obscures the reference of Matthew to that text.)
* [19:7] See Dt 24:1–4.
* [19:9] Moses’ concession to human sinfulness (the hardness of your hearts, Mt 19:8) is repudiated by Jesus, and the original will of the Creator is reaffirmed against that concession. (Unless the marriage is unlawful): see note on Mt 5:31–32. There is some evidence suggesting that Jesus’ absolute prohibition of divorce was paralleled in the Qumran community (see 11QTemple 57:17–19; CD 4:12b–5:14). Matthew removes Mark’s setting of this verse as spoken to the disciples alone “in the house” (Mk 10:10) and also his extension of the divorce prohibition to the case of a woman’s divorcing her husband (Mk 10:12), probably because in Palestine, unlike the places where Roman and Greek law prevailed, the woman was not allowed to initiate the divorce.

I am a child of divorce and have been hurt deeply by it, and have learned over the years to be generous in my prayers and thoughts toward others touched by it. My parents are both married-divorced-remarried protestants.  I pray for God’s mercy upon them.  I cannot bear the possibility of achieving heaven without those I love to receive me, but I can't hold my parents to a specifically "catholic" standard that they haven't adopted freely for themselves.  I pray for mercy for all protestants. I think that's appropriate.  So those who accuse me of judging others salvation are actually judging my salvation.  Irony flows freely.

But catholics should know better about divorce and remarriage, especially those catholics who have had every possible opportunity to know God's ultimate truth AND who even self-report that they DO know their catechism, (like the man with the "invisible" wife).  THOSE catholics who go their own way, well, they scandalize me.

They tempt me to go my own way, too.  I mean, if they can do their own thing, with no apparent consequence, then why can't I?  

That's the fruit of scandal.

Here's some of what the Catechism of the Catholic Church has to say about the sin of scandal:

2284 Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. the person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor's tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense.2285 Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea."85 Scandal is grave when given by those who by nature or office are obliged to teach and educate others. Jesus reproaches the scribes and Pharisees on this account: he likens them to wolves in sheep's clothing.862286 Scandal can be provoked by laws or institutions, by fashion or opinion.

Scandal weakens the faith of others.  It leads others to think that sinful things are not actually sinful. If the priest is allowing them in the midst of others without taking any action, and further, if the priest is chastising those who bring the scandal to light, then what other conclusion could a person draw but that the perceived sin is not a sin.  

Just because those under legitimate authority don't want to listen to it, or those in positions of legitimate authority don't want to exercise it, doesn't mean the truth taught by that same legitimate authority doesn't exist.

Problem: The ignoring of legitimate authority and the refusal to exercise legitimate authority could have far reaching consequences for people's souls.

Scandal is also a blow to unity in the Body of Christ.  It creates an environment where perhaps some people don't want to get to know others in the congregation for fear of finding out things that might be scandalous. 

For example, looking back, I wish I'd never become friends with that particular group.  I wish I'd just stayed away from them.  I wish I'd just formed a friendly aquaintanceship with them, instead of trying to form an actual friendship.  

I wish I'd stayed away and just prayed.  Then I wouldn't have felt an obligation to deal with it. 

This is part of what the catechism says about unity:

Toward unity 820 "Christ bestowed unity on his Church from the beginning. This unity, we believe, subsists in the Catholic Church as something she can never lose, and we hope that it will continue to increase until the end of time."277 Christ always gives his Church the gift of unity, but the Church must always pray and work to maintain, reinforce, and perfect the unity that Christ wills for her. This is why Jesus himself prayed at the hour of his Passion, and does not cease praying to his Father, for the unity of his disciples: "That they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be one in us, . . . so that the world may know that you have sent me."278 The desire to recover the unity of all Christians is a gift of Christ and a call of the Holy Spirit.279821 Certain things are required in order to respond adequately to this call:

• a permanent renewal of the Church in greater fidelity to her vocation; such renewal is the driving-force of the movement toward unity;280

• conversion of heart as the faithful "try to live holier lives according to the Gospel";281 for it is the unfaithfulness of the members to Christ's gift which causes divisions;

• prayer in common, because "change of heart and holiness of life, along with public and private prayer for the unity of Christians, should be regarded as the soul of the whole ecumenical movement, and merits the name 'spiritual ecumenism;"'282

• fraternal knowledge of each other;283

• ecumenical formation of the faithful and especially of priests;284

• dialogue among theologians and meetings among Christians of the different churches and communities;285 

• collaboration among Christians in various areas of service to mankind.286 "Human service" is the idiomatic phrase.

822 Concern for achieving unity "involves the whole Church, faithful and clergy alike."287 But we must realize "that this holy objective - the reconciliation of all Christians in the unity of the one and only Church of Christ - transcends human powers and gifts." That is why we place all our hope "in the prayer of Christ for the Church, in the love of the Father for us, and in the power of the Holy Spirit."288

Not many catholics will sympathize with you when you bring issues involving scandal and a lack of unity to light. At best you might find a listening ear, and at worst you'll be shamed, even by your priest, for being "judgmental." Again, Irony flows freely. 

Here's what the bible says about unity with those who are in certain specific mortal sins:

Corinthians 5:11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

Yikes! 

All I wanted was to know that my priest was counseling those couples in "irregular" marriages. I just wanted to know he was trying to protect me from scandal.  That's all he can do.  It was all I could expect.

I was still willing to eat with them. St. Paul is much stricter than either my priest or my bishop.

It is my personal opinion that it's a cop out for a priest to pretend they don't know the difference between judging of behavior, and the judging of salvation. The latter only God can do. The former God instructs the faithful to do. Priests know this.

And further, the bible actually gives instruction on how to handle discord among congregation members:

Matthew 18:15-17  15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as as a Gentile and as a tax collector.

Yikes again!  

It seems the writer of Matthew is much more harsh toward unrepentant sinners than I ever was.

What to make of all of this?  

1. It seems to me that those people who go their own way should be allowed to.

2. I should not worry about their salvation as long as I remember to pray for them. 

However, the scandal issue is more problematic to me.

I learned in a painful way not to talk about truly scandalous things I saw at mass.  I learned the hard way that if I did talk about them, I'd be shamed.  And nobody likes to be shamed.

So after experiencing that drama, my personal strategy to keep my own faith in tact became: 1. Stop going to that particular church.  2.  At the new church, don’t ask questions, and don't get to know new people beyond just being cordial.  3.  Don't assume that others strive to live their faith fully.   4.  Make a commitment to pray.  Although praying becomes hard when you don't seem to see the fruit.

My goals in prayer have changed as a result of past drama.  I have tried to focus on prayer as a way to change ME and stop expecting it to help the particular person for whom I am praying.  It's just a spiritual exercise for me now.

It brings me back to the "God and Me" idea.  Which is where I started before I ever even thought about becoming Catholic.

Today, I still have unanswered questions about the authority of the church, about the effects of scandal, and how to handle the feeling of being scandalized, and about my own personal relationship with the Lord.

The only real reason I stay Catholic is because of the Eucharist.  Because the catholic church is the ONLY place to receive it.  But it would've been easier to have stayed protestant.  That's the worst result of all this past drama, that I entertain the thought of leaving.

And I am sure there that some readers will judge my behavior, or worse my salvation, for having felt this way during this drama.  But if you are feeling judgemental toward me, consider the Spiritual Works of Mercy and just pray for me.

Spiritual Works of Mercy

1. Admonish the sinner
2. Instruct the ignorant
3. Counsel the doubtful
4. Comfort the sorrowful
5. Bear wrongs patiently
6. Forgive all injuries
7. Pray for the living and the dead

The Forgotten Forgotten

Before I became Catholic I was a regular watcher of T.V. pentecostals. My favorite was Joyce Meyer. I liked her so much I used to give her 50 dollars a month to preach the gospel and love the world in the mission field.

After I became Catholic I withdrew that money, not because I thought she wouldn't put it to good use, (I believe she's honest with her donations), but I withdrew it because I wanted to give it to Catholic Answers. (I will say here that Joyce's ministry was very gracious with my exit from her partnership, and I still listen to her from time to time on T.V.)

Recently, however, I had a reason to purchase a video from Joyce Meyer Ministries, and now I'm on her mailing list again. I get all her mail again, even though, as I've explained, I don't make a regular contribution to her ministry anymore.

One of the things I have received is a booklet called "Not Forgotten: 30 Graphic Portraits of Social Injustice." It is a well-done publication, printed on medium weight paper, with many graphic photos of some terrible problems in the world that her ministry is working to correct. I believe it will be effective in raising money for the ministry in addressing these pressing needs.

One thing though.

One terrible social injustice has been left out. The greatest social injustice of our time is completely ignored in this booklet. Wanna guess what it is?

Our society, and our world, is facing a shortage of people, not an overabundance, as is commonly believed by the majority. There is a generation of missing people in America alone. We put crosses on the highway to memorialize strangers who've died in accidents. Still, human persons, who happen to reside in the womb, are killed legally everyday in our country, but no one mentions it. (Except Lena Dunham).   It's not polite to suggest that if pride and selfishness are the roots of evil in our world, then certainly, abortion is the fruit.

The womb is a dangerous place in America.

"A human being must always obey the certain judgment of his conscience. . . . Yet it can happen that moral conscience remains in ignorance and makes erroneous judgments about acts to be performed or already committed" (CCC 1790).

Facebook Conversation with Father Sam

Original post of Father Samuel Medley, S.O.L.T:
Where are they? Where are the voices of those who speak for the Truth? Are they hiding underneath a rock? Are all the courageous people just stories of men and women long ago? Where are the heroes? Who has not allowed their mind to be mushed and suffocated by false teaching or compromises with what is comfortable? Where are the saints of our time?

JGB:
More and more I'm seeing videos from the media that cross the line of not only bad taste, but also hate toward life and the Church. On Facebook, in only the last 2 WEEKS, I've seen THREE terrible postings. One was a mean joke about the priest scandal. One about killing people who disagree with global warming. And today one about an interview with a woman preaching euthanasia of suffering children. EVERY time I've either responded to the post with a rebuke, OR I've reposted with a status stating my own point of view. I'm happy to say that with regard to the joke about priest scandal, one Lutheran joined me in saying what a low blow it was. I got one comment in agreement with me regarding the climate change/murder video, and so far no comments about the reposting of the interview with that sorry English woman who thinks she should put a pillow over the head of a hypothetical suffering child. Yes, dear Christians, Catholic and otherwise, we've got a lot of work to do to influence the world. I think it might take martyrdom.

When I was a kid, going to church out at the Joppa Community Church in central Texas, I used to hear the pastor tell us regularly that as Christians we might have to lay our lives down for another, because that's what Jesus did. I doubt any of us ever thought we'd ever really be asked to do that. But we should at least be prepared to defend the truth on Facebook for crying out loud. However, when someone doesn't like what you say, what do they do? All they have to do is "hide" your posts or defriend you. So how are we to speak the truth in a way that people will actually listen? I don't want to be like the emergent church types with the good hair and the rock music who try to make the gospel sound like something entertaining in order to get people to listen, either.

Fr. Sam's follow-up questions:
How? You speak it IN CHRIST. Let Christ be the one who speaks, Christ, who is himself the message and messenger, the one who is prudent but zealous, the one who knows you and your audience better than you. Be the voice of Jesus Christ. Be Christ to others that a few may hear him. Do not worry about your presentation as much as about being in Christ and letting him speak. There is much of us in us. We need to get emptied and need to do it quickly and consistently. If we just spout things off or fear to speak we will end of speaking when we ought to be silent and being silent when we ought to speak.

Give Jesus, the Truth, a voice on Facebook. Is Jesus Lord, even of the social media? Let your content, your message, your heart, your demeanor all speak of Christ. Is this a lot of work? Yes, but it is Christ's work.

JGB: 
And on FB, I'm the voice of Christ to people who ALREADY agree with me. The ones who already agree with me are the only ones who'll read what I write. (Everyone else has me "hidden." I know this because I hide a few of my friends from time to time, too.) I'm not sure you even read to the end of my post, because I'm telling you, you are "preaching to the choir." I'm pretty much seen as the church lady everywhere I go. I might as well be wearing a habit. People just ignore me or write me off as "irrelevant" and go their own way. Which of course they certainly can. . . they have free will. My point is, words can only go so far in a culture where people can turn them off so easily. Just like dear St. Francis with the Sultan, we might have to get beat up a few times.

NOTE: Fr Samuel Medley is a Roman Catholic Priest of the Society of Our Lady of the Most Holy Trinity (SOLT). He works with the modern media to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ in Mary's spirit of Magnificat.

10/05/10

Chasing (?) Francis. (Give Me a Break)

There is a novel called Chasing Francis in which the author, a Calvinist, incredibly, tries to intimate that St. Francis was "the first protestant." 

I was made aware of this book by a protestant friend of mine. She interpreted the book as a bridge between protestants and Catholics and after reading the book was inspired to have a picture of an abbreviated rosary tattooed around her ankle. I didn't know what to say about the tattoo, but I did agree to read the book after my friend asked me to. 

However I didn't see it as a bridge. Well, maybe it was a broken bridge. The picture of St. Francis that emerges in this book is of a man who really didn't care about truth, and whose followers up until the present day are willing to simply tell people what they want to hear, to make them "feel" good. The brothers in the book encourage the main character to receive the Eucharist at mass, even though he has not made any kind of oath or Act of Faith or belief in what Catholics believe.

Which would be fine, if the Eucharist isn't actually the Real Presence.

Actually, St. Francis was joyfully submissive to the magisterium of the Catholic church, so I don't now how this author can, in good conscience, appropriate St. Francis so personally for his own purposes. St. Francis was willing to suffer for the kingdom and for truth. He was also an evangelist for ancient Christianity, that is, catholicism. St. Francis believed in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. (The long series of protestant reformations continuing until today hadn't yet begun.)

I, myself, was offended when I read the book, especially the scene where the protestant pastor receives "communion," and I've tried to engage the author on Facebook twice, to no avail. I know he and I have very different ideas about what creates unity in the Body of Christ. 

I have also discovered that my Calvinist Facebook friends are not especially concerned about whether their own modern liturgies and current theologies actually are in unity with the "historical" Calvin. Post-modernism, and it's rebuff of any kind of "distinctions" has thoroughly infected them.

Unity is something very superficial to them. It has to be.

But I do know the one thing that really ticks them off -- when I mention the one thing, the ONLY thing the protestants can cite that does unite them -- which is the simple fact they aren't Catholic. That's the only thing they have in common, and the only "distinction" they can agree on.

So I guess, sadly, that for many protestants, unity is simply found in being against anything Catholic. Which is why appropriating St. Francis for themselves is not only wrong, but also strange. St. Francis, even with his instruction from the Holy Spirit to "Build My Church" never did actually leave the bounds of the one, holy, apostolic and, universal (catholic) church. Far from it, he remained obedient to its legitimate authority. For him, it was possible to bring change from within. But even after 500 years, the protests still seem to generate enough energy to keep all those denominations going. And the protestors still keep appropriating St. Francis for their own twisted purposes.

I know it's possible to rise above the fray because I did.

I followed Truth, as far as it would take me. It was uncomfortable. It took time. But the fruit of that journey has been enormous. It is real and deep.

Unfortunately, telling the complete truth, no matter HOW gently you try to offer it, will ALWAYS hurt someone's "feelings" so feelings (even MINE) can't really be the final arbiter of truth.

And one irony is, I don't think Calvin was particularly concerned about hurt feelings either.

It's just a good thing this book was titled, "Chasing Francis" because that's the one true thing about it. The character of the burned-out protestant minister in the novel is always chasing, never catching, the essence of St. Francis. Just like  the protestants are always chasing, but never catching ultimate truth. To the fictional protestant minister in the book, truth is never something truly and concretely findable. Which I find very disturbing and sad.

Just because the truth is big, and we humans sometimes feel too puny to embrace it fully, doesn't mean we shouldn't still expect to find it. It is important for a Christian to assume that truth actually does exist, in its fullness, in the Eucharist, in Christ.

Further, and more importantly, seekers are deceiving themselves if a so-called "search for truth" leads them in opposing directions or spurs them to draw opposing conclusions. Truth is not contradictory or arbitrary. Christ doesn't promote chaos, and neither did (the real) St. Francis.

2009

Our Lady of Kibeho Says to Listen, Fast and Pray

Last night, May 2, 2010, I experienced the gift of listening to a talk given by Immaculee Ilibagiza at St. John Neumann Church in Austin, Texas. She spoke of the appearances of the Blessed Virgin to some school girls in Kibeho, Rwanda, 12 years before the genocide. Those school girls are about my age, although Immaculee is a few years younger. She told us about how she used to pray that the Virgin would come to her and to her friends, and how she was disappointed at first when she heard about the appearances in Kibeho, because she'd been so sure that the Virgin would come to her first!

Apparently, Our Lady of Kibeho spoke a particularly positive message, even more positive than Lourdes, and certainly more positive than Fatima. However, included in Our Lady's message to the visionaries at Kibeho, was a hint of the genocide to come. The listeners were supposed to listen, fast and pray. Immaculee wondered aloud if the people of Rwanda had listened more deeply, and been more obedient in fasting and prayer, would the genocide that killed her family and many friends have been avoided?

In any case, Immaculee has been able to forgive, and listening to her last night, I could feel my heart opening over several ongoing situations in my life. It feels so good to just let things go and give people care and love instead of pointing a wagging finger.

That was last night. Today is Monday, and after a trying day at school, all my good feeling from last night has evaporated. It is entirely possible that I could wake up tomorrow with a minor case of whiplash after having almost been knocked down by two 7th grade boys who were "just playing."

I got my finger wagging and started fussing before I even realized that something wasn't quite right in my back and my neck after those two took me completely off guard and ran into me on my blind side during the passing period. My backside was the only thing that slowed them down.

They went from a full speed run to a near total stop when they rammed into me, in fact. I didn't see them coming, or I would have tried to avoid the collision. I'm just lucky they didn't knock me to the ground. Now, several hours later, I can still feel something's not right with my neck and back. We'll see if I'm sore tomorrow, after some Aleve and a good night's sleep.

So I ask myself, what would Immaculee do in this situation? Would Our Lady of Kibeho tell me to listen, fast and pray in my situation? I know Our Lady would want me to forgive, and I will. But first I will write an office referral so that a minimum of justice might be done.

It's not that I can't forgive. I expect to be able to. I just wish the forgiveness could come faster.

It occurs to me that the trick to being quick to forgive is to be able to separate your own well being in God, from the harm that's been done to you. I think the more I am genuinely able to rest in the Lord, then the more I can accept Him to be my vindicator.

He will comfort me so I don't have to seek out any kind of revenge or self-satisfaction. Right? That's what I hope for, anyway.

The good news is, in less than a month, the school year will be over and this day will be only an uncomfortable memory.

At least, unlike Immaculee, I have never had to hide for 91 days in a 3 foot by 4 foot bathroom.

05/03/10

Honor Your Mother

How do you celebrate a holiday dedicated to mothers when yours has died and you yourself aren't one?

What do I do at mass when the priest wants all the mothers to come forward, and I'm the only middle aged woman remaining in the pews? Do I just let the priest or the pastor give me a rose (or a gift) anyway on mother's day to save face, or do I refuse it because I'm not actually a mother?

It's awkward.

On the way to mass today I was trying to drum up some kind of sentiment regarding Mother's Day, but I just couldn't quite get there. I deliberately tried to meditate on the fact that Mary, the Blessed Virgin, is my mother, but somehow, that didn't console me either.

Last year, I decided to make the St. Louis de Montfort Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. This was a deliberate act on my part as I try to grow into a relationship with Our Lady. As a protestant convert to Catholicism, learning about, and getting closer to the Mother of Our Lord has been a process of taking baby steps of faith, hope and trust.

It is not a coincidence to me that I did not become Catholic until after my own adoptive mother, Joann Ater Alvis, died. Something powerful happened in those days after my mother's passing. I remember feeling that the veil between life and death was so very thin, almost an illusion. I wondered where she was, and I was sure that where she was, was an actual place, not just some state of mind. I was sure, in those transitional days, that she did still exist, in a real way, and possibly in a place filled with others who had passed on before her, (the Communion of Saints, if you will).

I couldn't bear the idea that she lived on only in my mind as a memory, although, to be sure, she does certainly live in my mind. The point to all this is, I'm pretty sure that my earthly mother, Joann, and my heavenly Mother, Mary, have had a conversation about me, because I just don't think I would've drifted so smoothly into Catholicism without the intercession of those two. I think they were in "cahoots" to intercede on my behalf with Jesus to get me into His Church.

At the time I made my consecration to Mary's Immaculate Heart, I didn't think it had had much of an effect on me. It has been a slow and steady process for me to feel free to devote myself to Our Lady. The changes in me have been subtle. First, I began to wonder about the timing of my mom's death and my own entry into the Catholic Church. Second, I started to notice a difference in the way I viewed my students at school. It's very hard to behave lovingly toward 7th graders sometimes, but I've noticed a difference in my attitude, and in the way the kids respond to me, since I made my consecration.

I'm not a perfect communicator, but I have noticed the students listening more to me, even at the same time they are doing their best to convince me they're not. It's almost a kind of game. Their strategy is to make me think they don't listen, and mine is to talk in such a way that they will listen, even if they don't want to admit it. (I don't care. I'll let them save face, if my lesson goes "in.")

Somehow, I think, as the year draws to a close, they might be starting to get it that I do have their best interests at heart, at least within my sphere of influence as a public school English teacher. I think I might have been able to convince them to believe me that reading, writing and learning are a good thing, and that they might lose their freedom if they don't work to improve their literacy skills.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't have a living mother, (with all due respect to my birth mother Judyth, to whom I did make a mother's day call earlier), and I'm not a mother either, but I think Our Lady might be mothering me and mothering others through me more than I know.

One time, during a recent mid-life crisis, I was complaining to a well-meaning protestant minister about being single and alone. This man pointed his finger at me and said, with conviction, "Judi, you are your own family." At the time, that idea sounded so intriguing. There is something to it, psychologically speaking. I really don't need a family to feel like I have one?

Theologically though, I don't think the notion is complete. (God is the only one who is his own family in the form of the Trinity.) When I joined the Catholic Church, I realized what I was really joining was a family, one with lots of mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters.

Therefore, no matter what my emotions might tell me, I think I'll just keep saying "yes" to Our Lady, and I know that now, I can legitimately say, "Happy Mother's Day."

05/09/10

Singing in Church, Stress & the Fruit of the Spirit

Sometimes the way I recognize God's presence in my life is through the perceived and sometimes convoluted connections in my circumstances.

I have to sing a certain sequence today in church. It’s Pentecost Sunday, the day we commemorate the Holy Spirit’s arrival on earth, the “birthday” of the church. My life’s journey includes entry three years ago into full communion with the Catholic Church. The hardest thing for me to adjust to was the music. In fact this sequence in the liturgy today is hard for me because it’s a chant, not really a hymn, and chant is not as easy as it looks.

Last night I was a little distraught about it. I didn’t remember I had to lead it until right before I went to bed, when I finally did practice it. Honestly, I will be asking the Holy Spirit to show up and help me during Mass today.

While getting ready this morning, I’ve just now listened to Pastor Dave Haney of Riverbend Church preach a sermon about using our spiritual gifts. I spent ten very fruitful years as a member of Riverbend back in the 1990’s when I still lived in Austin. From time to time I still like to listen to Pastor Dave preach on Sundays, and when I do, it also takes my memory back to the time I spent singing with the Riverbend Chorale, directed by Carlton Dillard.

While part of the Chorale, I learned how to sight read. I had my first experience singing in a small group ensemble, and of being a soloist during our summer show. The main thing I learned was how to be, week after week, one faithful part of a large choir. Over time, I slowly learned a priceless spiritual lesson of how not to have pride about my gifts, and how to offer them to God, for His glory.

I do, though, have a nice singing voice, at least when I don’t have allergies. And I also have a knack for harmony. With a little advanced notice, and some practice, I can sing pleasingly in front of people. I’ve never had "professional" talent or training, but I did store away singing experiences in the Riverbend Chorale for a later day when God would use them.

Fast forward to 2010, and everything I had done musically since my days at Riverbend could be related back to something I learned in the Chorale. I don’t think it would be too strong a statement to say that Carlton Dillard gave me back the dream of singing. The motto of the Chorale was, “If you can sing in the shower, you can sing in the choir.” (I wish I could get Catholics to believe that.)

So today when I heard Pastor Dave telling an anecdote about Carlton during his sermon, I listened carefully.

Pastor Dave said that Carlton Dillard is an extremely talented musician who has used his gifts brilliantly for the building up of the Body of Christ. He said Carlton showed musical ability when he was 5 years old. At that young age, Carlton came home from Sunday service one day and copied the chords his church pianist was playing on the piano. In this way his parents knew something was “up," and they knew that, yes, he was pretty much a musical prodigy.
Later, in high school, Carlton won a choir contest, a statewide contest, mind you, after having learned the music on the bus on the way. (Yikes! I was in choir in high school, and I competed in the University Interscholastic League choir contests, but I didn’t get THAT far. . .)

When Carlton attended UT his professors told him to go to New York, because they could tell he was that good, and he should become a professional musician. He refused advice saying he felt he had a call on his life to be a music minister. I am glad he followed his call, because I have personally been the beneficiary of it.
When I became Catholic in 2007 I started attending the nearest catholic church, Holy Cross, in Bertram, Texas. I began using my gifts with the tiny “choir” at Holy Cross. I tried to add my harmony to the hymns the small group was singing during Mass.

It is now 2010, and since I began singing with that small group, several people have dropped out for various reasons. (Some are taking break from the choir and may return. Others have moved or changed churches.) The fact remains, I am the sole cantor and song leader now. If I’m not there, the woman who organizes the liturgy finds another volunteer to lead the responsorial psalm, or they just don’t have a leader which means they speak the psalm instead.

Mass can go on without a cantor, although the presence of one is beneficial, especially when we sing special chants that come up during the Easter season, like the Veni Sancte Spiritus, which we are supposed to sing right before the Alleluia today.

The thing is, I’m no Carlton Dillard. I need time to practice what I'm asked to sing. Still, I can tell his gifts have benefitted me greatly, especially on a day like today when I'm not totally sure of my ability. Last night I was thinking, “OMG! I can’t do this at all.” Today, after hearing that sermon including the story about Carlton, I am thinking, “Well, if the Holy Spirit gave Carlton those gifts to use for the Body of Christ in his music ministry, then the Spirit can just do the same thing for me today." Surely the Holy Spirit, if he has called me to lead the songs, will give me the ability to do the job."

I guess it will be an opportunity to exercise my faith, and it’s not faith if we know the outcome already, right?

Still, I do believe my time at Riverbend, singing in the Chorale under Carlton's direction built a few skills and confidences that I can draw upon. I will need them today.

In any case, I thank Carlton for his example to me, and for his encouragement to all of us amateur singers. When I sang at Riverbend, I just did my little alto part every week for about 4-5 years. Today my part is different, and perhaps a little more intense. I do have to lead the singing in front of a bunch of people at mass, leading a chant that I am honestly not well prepared to lead.

I also remember how Carlton exercised his faith and ministered weekly to us in the Chorale. So I guess the bumpersticker version of what I'm saying is that through his use of his gifts, the Holy Spirit has also borne fruit in me, in ways I could not have predicted when I was singing under his direction.

I hope Carlton Dillard will read this and accept it as a giant “Thank you!” for not listening to those professors at UT.

Final Note: I was rewarded for my faithfulness in actually showing up for church to sing that Sequence, by NOT actually having to sing it. I'm happy to say that our liturgy coordinator had already arranged for someone to read it, which is a relief. But I did do my other cantoring duties, and it all turned out just fine. (There's more than one way to "skin a cat," and in this case reading the sequence was perfectly acceptable.) My goal is to sing it comfortably next year, though.

05/23/2010

Blogging: It's harder than it seems. . .

. . .even though everyone and their dog seems to be doing it.

Many of the blogs I like are focused on a specific area of expertise. One is about nit-picking other people's grammar. One is a collection of the daily paintings of a favorite artist of mine. One is the logic and ideas of one of my favorite Catholic apologists. Another is an entire blog devoted to reviews of books read by the author.

Fortunately, I have many, varied interests. I like to paint, so I could post daily paintings. I like to talk religion, so I could post thoughts about God and our worship of Him. I like travel and writing and spending time with my pet. All of these are pursuits worthy of the time and energy it takes to write about them.

I wrote on another web site about my journey toward full communion the Catholic church.  After reading the entries, one of my friends told me I should continue the story by writing about my thoughts, experiences and struggles since my Confirmation.

Much has happened in my life since I was confirmed.  I feel like a completely different person.  Most of my mental energy today is spent on my job and also my art, but I do feel the need to get some things straight in my mind about my feelings on faith.

These posts are written from a purely personal point of view.  They are simply a record of my musings, and I take responsibility for them.

9/29/10